Cravings

 I'm currently 35/40 weeks pregnant with baby #4, and this little guy was a big surprise to my husband and I, who were not planning to add any more 'arrows' to our quiver any time quite so soon, with so many other life changing events happening at this time. We found out that I was pregnant just before celebrating the new year (despite 'preventative measures'), and after the initial shock had set in, we lifted him up to the Lord as a very special New Years blessing indeed. After all, what gift could possibly be greater than new life? In hindsight, after discovering I'd been pregnant for several weeks before seeing that big pink + sign appear, I realized that there were a few signs I probably should have taken note of... for example, the chocolates sitting on the buffet table after Christmas dinner with family didn't seem to compare at all to the selection of meat on the table beside it... ("Can I just have more meat for dessert?") and later, at home, there was at least a week or two where my regular pb&j on toast or oatmeal breakfast staples seemed so unappetizing that I couldn't even entertain the option of eating that for breakfast... instead, I was drawn to the pantry where to my delight, I found a SAMs club case full of cans of my husband's beef pot roast stew.  Mmmm. Protein and sodium. Now that's a hearty breakfast!

Most women who are or have been pregnant can probably relate with me when I say that throughout my entire pregnancy thus far, I've pretty much had a one track mind. I don't have many cravings, but there is one that's been persistent since pretty much day one. And the object of my affections? The Hardees 1/3 lb. Mushroom & Swiss ThickBurger. Oh yeah. 800 calories of beef and cheesy bliss. It's probably a good thing that we are on a tight budget and very rarely eat out, or else I probably would have become an 800 lb thickburger myself by now. I've had two or three through the pregnancy, but I'm convinced that even if I ate one every day, I'd still wake up at 4am and realize I'd been dreaming about eating one. Last night I thought about how strange I must be  for literally having dreams about cheeseburgers. It was then that I remembered this classic Veggie Tales song that to me, pretty much captivates the ridiculousness of my pregnant state. Check it out for a good giggle!


I think it's pretty amusing to my husband that I've become so enthralled by this one item of food, and honestly if I wasn't so serious about that cheeseburger I'm sure I'd find it funny too. I find the whole 'science' between pregnancy cravings quite interesting, because there actually does seem to be SOME merit behind these sudden and seemingly random desires that our bodies have for certain foods. Obviously, my body (pregnant or not) does not actually need a mushroom and swiss burger... there are no internal signals built inside me that indicate I am in dire need of 1/3 pound of grilled meat topped with fat, grease, bread and 1/2 a pound of condiments. However, my body could very well be signalling my brain that I need to up my intake of iron and protein - known to be crucial nutrients during pregnancy, and nutrients which I probably wasn't getting quite enough of in my daily diet before conception. Another example would be the stereotypical "pickles and ice cream" craving. There is no way that anyone - and I mean ANYONE needs to be dipping baby dills into their Ben & Jerry's. But it's quite possible that any woman insane enough to desire such a thing (and pregnancy does make us slightly insane...) actually needs more calcium and sodium in her diet.

I've described my cravings for Mushroom Swiss Burgers to you in jest, and I promise I am not actually to the point of breaking out into a serenade by the Hardees window a-la Mr Lunt (yet). But I can admit that during pregnancy, I think a lot more about food than is typically normal for me. I go through phases where I'm not overly hungry at all, except maybe for beef (hello first trimester)... and then feeling a little queasy (and guilty for the lack of nutrients I've consumed) after eating nothing but beef all day, to phases where all I seem to do is eat all day long, wondering if I'm eating way too much, and then reaching a point of being hungry all the time but having no room to put it all because the baby is compressing my stomach to what feels about the size of a lima bean... causing belly upset and heart burn... so then I have to pick and choose wisely as I wonder about every food I eat and whether or not I have room for it, or whether it will cause indigestion if I eat it. Sigh. I guess that Hardees Burger would probably need to be attacked with a knife and fork over the course of 24 hrs at this point in my pregnancy.

This is all funny and cute for pregnant women, but there was a time in my life when thoughts of food felt like more of a dark plague to my mind than anything innocent or cute. When I was working as a model, part of my job was to scrutinize food and keep tabs on everything I ate. Every bite, every choice, every calorie. I literally was expected to measure up to a certain cookie-cutter standard of body type, which meant that real cookies were pretty much out of the picture, along with cheeseburgers or anything else that wasn't lettuce... yes, food became a sort of forbidden fruit. And we all know what happens to sinful human beings when it comes to forbidden fruit - temptation. Cravings. A sudden struggle between covetousness and self control. I watched these cycles many times with the other girls I worked with. In one way or another, food became some kind of an addiction - also known as an idol. Whether it was an addiction to binging on certain foods to succumb to the cravings (either to end up forfeiting their jobs as models or to delve into a second addiction to purging the food after eating) or a twisted game of control over their own bodies as they continually denied themselves these "forbidden fruits", starving themselves of essential calories and nutrients for the purpose of self glorification, one way or another, food was a source of bondage and slavery. Nearing the end of my career and well beyond in the time after I quit the modeling industry, I was very disturbed by the things I had seen in my time there and the way that this lifestyle corrupted the minds and the spirits of so many young women. I especially found it disturbing because I could see the affects it'd had on me, despite my efforts to shield myself from it and the fact that I was not blind to the idols surrounding the industry that so many cling to. It made me angry when long after I was finished with that line of work, I would still naturally find myself making note of the basic calories I was eating, or if stepping on the scale would produce a certain initial panic when I saw that I was a few pounds heavier than my model "standard" was supposed to be weeks or months or years before...  or when I would indulge in a yummy food choice only to feel guilty and shameful afterwards. I knew this was not normal.

I remember one time when I was in NYC for fashion week (and basically eating a steady diet of lettuce, tomatoes and boiled eggs for at least 3 weeks straight) I found myself thinking that if only I could eat a piece of chocolate fudge cheesecake or something delicious like that, I'd feel satisfied. After several days of allowing thoughts of chocolate fudge consume me, I broke down and went to starbucks, bought a brownie, and ate every single crumb. It was delicious, and it tasted especially good after eating such bland foods for so long. But somehow, when it was gone, I still felt the same. My belly was a little fuller, but I was still empty. My taste buds were more awake, but I still didn't feel very alive. It was a sad moment.

Several days later, in my prayer time I found myself crying out to God for help. I felt like I was running on a hamster wheel instead of running the race He had set before me. I didn't know why I was there and I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be home with my baby and my family, and I didn't see any fruit from working in this field that would benefit them in any way. Beyond that, I felt lost. It was such a dark world, and I could only take so much of it on my own. I wanted to be a light there, but it seemed like the dark was beginning to snuff me out. I felt like I was in a slimy pit that I couldn't seem to get out of, and I could feel my mind becoming cloudy and dark as I battled with lies that attacked me. I cried out to God for light, direction, and truth, knowing that He is the only one that can give it, because He IS the Light, the truth... the way... the life.

By His grace, God has continued to teach me more and more about Himself, breaking chains of deception, corruption, sin, condemnation and other such burdens that I picked up through subjecting myself to that lifestyle I worked within. He has taught me so many things, but the one I want to really focus on today is the concept of food. When you read this, I pray you will not look at all of this literally as simply food, but think about it in terms of what you allow yourself to feed on. One of my favourite quotes is by CS Lewis, who once said "You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." We are spiritual beings, and though we have physical bodies that feed on physical foods, we must understand that we also 'feed' on intangible or spiritual things - and, just like with physical foods, sometimes the things we find ourselves craving or feeding on are not healthy for us. I'm sure you can think of someone who clearly feeds on gossip. Or perhaps someone who feeds on the attention of others, or the approval of man, or "good feelings" she can find wherever she can get them - constantly chasing the satisfaction those warm fuzzies can bring. Perhaps you know someone who feeds on bitterness and anger, and it consumes them. Perhaps it's success, or perhaps it's carnal lust, or perhaps it's an addiction to alcohol, drugs, sugar, shopping, or cheeseburgers. Whatever it is that we chase after and feed ourselves with - whatever we are consumed by - that becomes an object of worship in our minds and spirits. We will reap it and sow it. We will grow in it... one way or the other.

You know, food is a good thing. (If you don't believe me, go to Hardees, and take a bite of their Swiss Mushroom ThickBurger.) It is a gift from God, made to bring nourishment to our flesh and to sustain physical life on this earth. He gave us a variety of foods to choose from and gave us taste buds in order to enjoy foods as a small source of pleasure. In moderation and in it's proper place, food is certainly something good and worthy of thankfulness to our Father who gives it to us. And no food that God has given is meant to be subjected to worthless, 'religious' rules (separate from what the Bible teaches) that we set for ourselves as we deny them as if it's sinful to eat them, or raise them up like idols as if any particular food will bring us real richness of life or true satisfaction. When we were without Christ, many things seemed wise as far as what we should seek, what we should achieve, what we should eat, what we should not eat, what we should look like and aspire to, and so on. We have a common mindset in this world that self control is something that measures a person's strength and gives them personal power. I believe we all want that control, whether it's over food, over our own feelings, over our lives and circumstances, over other people, etc. But we who know Christ must realize that we will always lose the power struggle if we choose to do things on our own, and by our own 'wisdom' (which to God is mere foolishness) - we must realize that we are actually NEVER in control of ourselves. We either allow God to have the authority, or we submit ourselves to the control of our own flesh, which may at first feel like we've got the reigns, but will quickly prove to be a snare for us as we realize that we are more than just our bodies, and we as spiritual beings have become captive to our flesh. The things we choose for ourselves as methods of control over our own minds and bodies have an appearance of wisdom but have absolutely no power over our flesh, which always fights to be in control of us, and can only be overcome when we submit ourselves under the authority of Christ, whose Holy Spirit now dwells in us and gives us power and wisdom over all these things. Colossians 2:20-23 describes it well.
"If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations—“Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch”(referring to things that all perish as they are used)—according to human precepts and teachings? These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh."

 So, we can't stop the indulgence of the flesh. We have no actual power over it. As Christians, according to the above passage, we have died to the elemental spirits of the world. We are not 'alive in the world' but have been born again, so that we are now alive in Christ. This means that we have achieved life through the Spirit of Christ... our sin was crucified with him at the cross, and our old selves were buried with Him in the grave. He left behind his grave clothes on the 3rd day and walked out of that tomb robed in white, with victory over death and everlasting life as the King and ultimate authority over all things. In the same way, so we were raised with Him, and are called to leave our old grave clothes behind, walking with the same holiness and the same power that raised Jesus from the dead. It's easy to look behind at that dark grave where we were once dead in our wounds, poisoned by sin, bound by grave clothes and laying in defeat. But yet, here we are, alive, cleansed, new, and walking in the Light. We need to stop looking back at our old selves and our old way of living, realizing that we really weren't alive at all when we lived for our own flesh. We are called to lay those things aside, and fix our eyes on Christ.

 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." - Hebrews 12:1-2

 Jesus, before he was crucified, raised a lot of eyebrows and freaked a lot of (blind) people out when he made this statement about 'real food', found in John 6. I encourage you to read the whole chapter to grasp the full context, but I will summarize with this passage from verses 53-58 :
"Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like the bread that your forefathers ate, and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.”

Obviously, despite the offense of many of his hearers, Jesus was not suggesting that his disciples model themselves after Hanibal Lecter and begin gnawing on His toes. Jesus was referring to us as Spiritual beings who are in great need of nourishment by the body of Christ. In order to feed this new spirit inside us, we need to be feasting daily on Christ - who is the word of God who became flesh. ("In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." - John 1:1-5) We need constant communion with Him by reading His word and engaging with Him in prayer. He is the life within us, and this is what must be nourished above all else. This is especially true when we find ourselves tempted by the "cravings" of anything other than Him. When Jesus was tempted in the desert, He attacked Satan with the words "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4). Likewise, we are commanded not to obsess about these earthly things or to worry about them. One more verse:

 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." - Matthew 6:25-33

 God is the one who gives us all these earthly things in the first place, and He will continue to provide for our needs, and to direct our path as far as the steps we should take as we operate in the flesh and do His will on this earth. It's all about Him, not us! Fixing our eyes on those things will only bring trouble. Let's beware of idols in our lives, and continue to fix our eyes on Christ alone.

 So, today as I opened the fridge and stared at the tupperware container full of cold, leftover brown beans, trying my best to push thoughts of hot beef, mushrooms, and swiss cheese out of my head and at the same time repenting for covetousness over things I don't really need, God has reminded me of something very important. Sometimes, just like in pregnancy, we crave specific man made things with perceived wisdom or urgency, thinking that this is what we really need to satisfy us. But in the end, these cravings can often be masking an actual god-given need for real, true, life bringing nutrients. Sometimes we feel an emptiness or a craving within us that indicates a need for spiritual meat, and instead of looking to Christ as the provider and sustainer of spiritual life, we stay in our flesh and look at physical solutions and substitutes that we can attempt to stuff ourselves with instead.

In other words, when I feel overwhelmed by toys left all over the floor, a big pile of laundry, bottomless kids whining for more food when they've just cleaned out the fridge, bills weighing on our family, an unfinished house or whatever else is going on in my day, and find myself daydreaming of money, cuddle time with my husband, more friends, a shopping excursion or a big cheeseburger to make all my cares melt away, I am to recognize that all those earthly things - though they can be great things and do bring temporary pleasure, are not 'real food'. I am to take all those thoughts captive and reject them as false wisdom - fixing my eyes on Christ and running to His word, and not the things of this world, to fill myself up. We must continue feeding ourselves with spiritual food in order to grow and increase our strength in Him. And as we do this, He will draw us nearer and nearer to Him, bringing light, truth, and direction to our path, and increasing our joy and our faith as we live out this life craving (and indulging in!) more and more of Him.