Hands full, hearts open.

Can I be honest for a minute? Sometimes, I get really tired of hearing cliche comments about the size of my family. 

I have to admit that I have struggled with offense in the past due to the ignorant comments I (and my children) hear about the number of kids I have. Especially because almost always, these remarks are stated right in front of my children as if they either can't hear, can't understand, or their feelings don't matter. Mama bear comes out, and sometimes she isn't so politically correct. Sometimes I imagine what might happen if I responded in the same way that they ask. 

"Why yes, we do have a TV... But if you're trying to tell me that your TV is more exciting than your sex life, I'd say you're not doing it right. Maybe you should talk about that with your therapist or a marriage counselor rather than a stranger at Sam's club, though. :)"

"No, they aren't all mine - they tell me they just follow me around because their real parents don't like children. Say - Is one of them yours?"

"Yes, I believe each one of them was planned. Why? Which one did you presume was the mistake?"

And one that I read on a blog recently that made me laugh out loud... 

(Exclaim loudly) DING DING DING! Congratulations!  As the ten billionth person to make this clever remark, you are a winner!  As your prize, please accept this delicious baby.

Yes, these are laughable comebacks, and I've finally come to a place where I can just smile and laugh it off when I hear things like this. (And with 4 children, we hear this a whole lot more often than you might believe). But honestly, not long ago it was very difficult not to feel angry or offended by such ignorant remarks - often from perfect strangers. I'd feel more like throwing down or throwing up on the person that says it rather than laughing. One time when a man asked if I knew there was "something I can take to prevent that" i responded by asking him to look at my children and let me know which one he suggests that I should have prevented, and to please clarify if he was implying that my children are some kind of a disease we should be immunizing ourselves against. Of course he was quite speechless and apologetic, and ran off with his tail between his legs. It felt good at the moment, and I was glad my children knew I would stand up for them. Maybe I did protect them, but I also displayed a whole lot of ugly pride and not a lot of grace for that man, which I later had to apologize to my kids for. After all, he is a product of our culture. Our supposedly very "tolerant", "progressive", "politically correct" culture that embraces everything as long as it has nothing to do with laying down your own life for another. 4 kids? On purpose? If it happens to a mom by accident, that's one thing. Then she's a hero and a martyr. 2 is socially acceptable. If they've got 2 of the same gender and they try for one more to try to get that girl or boy they don't have, that's acceptable. If there's an "oops", she's pitied and patted on the head. But if they plan it? Now that's just crazy. 

Everywhere I go with my children,  I always get SOME comment or another. Not always snarky - in fact, we are now known at Sam's club, where several of the sales assoiates know me as the Mama with all the helpers. They started saying it in a patronizing tone, but now they say it in sincerity. I really do have some wonderful helpers, and I really do enjoy them. Most of the time, wherever we end up going, I'm sure to hear "you sure have your hands full!" - I just smile now, and answer "Yes, full of good things! " :) Whether they mean it negatively or not, I know that "full" is a positive term. The alternative is 'empty', and I am thankful that my hands are not empty.

The Bible says that children are a blessing. I do not think that means everyone must have 20 children, but I believe whether you have 1 or 4 or 12 or 20 they are each incredible, amazing, unique and priceless gifts. They are human beings, and I have the incredibly scary and yet absolutely awesome opportunity to help them on their journey to adulthood as individual men and women who have the potential to make an impact in this ignorant, sad and lonely world - by giving them love and showing them that they are not only accepted, but truly wanted. 

When I drop my pride and keep that in mind, being reminded that  we have lots of them can actually keep me thankful rather than annoyed or offended. We are not living our lives for the blind people at the grocery store who call evil good and good evil. Ultimately they will get things backward and that is to be expected. Thank God we are His, our children are His, and He has entrusted them to us! I just have to remind myself that it doesn't matter if a blind person mistakes my precious gems for heavy rocks. I know their value and THEY know that I know it, and that's what matters! Just thought I would share my thoughts with anyone that might benefit from them, and to get the opportunity to say publicly that I am extremely thankful to our Lord (the creator of Heaven and Earth, and my savior Jesus Christ) for gifting us with the privilege of loving, raising and enjoying these 4 amazing individuals. 

God is good! :) 

In pursuit of (imperishable) beauty

First of all, to all my readers, thanks for your patience as I know it's been a very long time since I've last posted! I can't make too many apologies as I do feel that I've been pursuing my priorities first as we slowly restructure life as a family of 6, but now that we've got more of a routine going and things have settled in after the new year, I plan to make more time for writing again. Nothing too ambitious, but the goal is one post a week. I might have to work up to that... but that's the goal! Now, on to today's post about the pursuit of true beauty (can't seem to get away from this topic!).

A couple of weeks ago, I was out at our local license bureau on one of those VERY rare occasions where I happened to have absolutely no children with me. We all know how nightmare-ish the lineups in such places can be at 4:30pm when the office closes in an hour, and this was one of those times.

I waited in line for a good 35 minutes, and other than the lady at the counter, nobody spoke to me – I think that’s partly what makes those places so awkward for me… chairs packed full of people, long lineups, crowded spaces, and yet everyone acts as if there is no one else there and avoids eye contact and conversation all together. So strange! ANYWAY, after I was finished at the counter and had gathered up all my paperwork, I was in a hurry to get home to my baby (who I knew would be hungry by this point!) and the rest of my family, so I bee-lined it out the door and was almost in my car when I was frightened by a loud “Ma’am! Wait!” which came from a tall, out of breath and red faced guy who had apparently come running out the door of the license bureau after me and was now standing about 3 feet away from me. My husband is always nervous about me being alone in parking lots and such, and although I have often thought he was a little too overprotective, I’ve tried to be respectful of his wishes so I’d parked as close to the building as possible. Now as I stood here frozen and a little nervous of this man in front of me, I began to ask the Lord to forgive me for ever challenging him about my safety as I glanced around to make sure there were others in the lot. Thankfully there were, and they were looking our way just because of the spectacle that this guy had made of himself. The dude knew it too, and he looked pretty embarrassed. He proceeded to sputter out that he was sorry if he’d scared me and that he knew he must seem like a weirdo (bingo!) but that he saw me in line and thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. He said he’d been waiting in another lineup and had decided to leave his place in line because he ‘had to know’ if I was single. By this point I was fairly certain that he was not a psycho, a lunatic or a murderer – he actually seemed quite normal, just a little unwise, to say the least. I flashed him my ring finger and told him that I was not only married, but that I have 4 children – at which point he looked really surprised and even more embarrassed than before. I hope I was polite when I told him I was sorry he lost his place in line and to have a good day.

As I drove home, I contemplated this pursuit of beauty that all men and women crave and strive for. After my years as a model and all that it entailed mentally, psychologically, spiritually and physically, this is a topic I have thought a lot about. Probably too much, in fact. It occurred to me that I am no longer really phased by ‘compliments’ that people give me about my appearance – at least not from strangers. That’s because beauty is such a relative, elusive thing. Though the media has become the expert as far as propaganda is concerned, no one can actually set the standard for what beauty looks like, because it is so constantly changing and because there are so many variables depending on the ‘eye of the beholder’. To this particular guy’s eyes, I was apparently beautiful. But I know enough about this kind of beauty to recognize that it is almost absolutely worthless – whether he knew it at that point in time where he decided to leave his place in line to pursue it, or not. As Solomon wisely said, it is all meaningless… like chasing after the wind. I know, because I chased it for a very long time. I still catch myself chasing it at times, to my shame… returning to the lie that somehow that is where my worth is found. Thank God that being outwardly beautiful is not my purpose in life, nor is it where my worth is found. At one time, it was. And what a cold, shallow and absolutely unsatisfying life that was… where nothing is ever enough, and contentment and joy are as far out of reach as the vague perception of my own identity. I shudder just thinking about it. Yet, now that the Lord has brought me out of that place and I am on this new (sometimes far more challenging) journey toward true purpose in Christ and seeking to honor HIM - not myself – with my life, I can often look at myself and feel quite inadequate. Spiritually, I know that I am certainly not the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever seen, and that is a fact. If only being truly beautiful were as easy as keeping up an outward front. Unfortunately, as I’m sure that naïve, red-faced young man will eventually find out, outward beauty is simply not enough to satisfy anyone – man or woman. And with any real relationship in life that requires you to give of yourself, it’s pretty much impossible to rely upon (or hide behind) that front forever - and that’s where we need God.

I pulled into our garage and walked up the stairs back to life as I know it once again. Do you think I walked in with an aura around me, with angels singing and lights beaming as my husband stared in awe at my physical beauty? Of course not! As I walked into the room, the baby was (of course) crying in my husband’s arms as he looked at me with a frazzled expression, passing him over like a hot potato with a sigh of relief. The kids greeted me cheerfully as they hugged my legs, and then went on with whatever it was that they were doing. My husband looked immediately relieved when the baby stopped crying in my arms. He asked how it went and we briefly chatted about my time at the bureau before he became occupied with his budgeting work that he’d been trying to work on before I got back. I sat down and fed the baby, who looked at me with furrowed eyebrows as if he was still quite mad at me for not being there to feed him as soon as he’d been ready. And as I looked around at everyone doing their own thing, I couldn’t help but smile.

Even in the last few months since our youngest was born, I have been faced with old (and yet seemingly ever-lurking) fears about purpose and self worth. I’ve battled with feelings of spiritual inadequacy that mask themselves through a fleshly desire to perfect and control my outward image, somehow blindly believing that it’s enough – or even that it is a legitimate or worthy goal that I can truly accomplish. I know it never will be. I’ve studied my ever-changing body shape once again as it morphs through the various stages of post-partum adjustment, and noticed the lines around my eyes which weren’t there a few years ago. I know that the Proverb is true – beauty is fleeting. That’s why the Bible instructs husbands to take delight in the wife of their youth, and to find beauty in her. If it were easy and if men continued to be blown away by their wives’ physical beauty just naturally every single day for the rest of their lives together, God wouldn’t have to tell them to do it. That’s because no matter how beautiful something is, it gets old after a while, and the charm will eventually dwindle. A Godly husband will continue to seek his wife’s beauty and will certainly take delight in it, just as the Lord intended – but her true beauty is not something external, and no amount of physical ‘perfection’ will ever be enough to keep his heart. Perhaps more importantly than that, it will never be enough to keep her own heart. In fact, focusing too much on the external is a good way to lose it.

The Bible says that charm is deceptive and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD will be praised. We are all in search of praise – especially from our loved ones. To be honest, at this stage in my life I couldn’t care less if the stranger at the license bureau thinks I’m beautiful or not, but I am constantly vying for my husband’s attention and praise when it comes to such things. If I do something special with my hair, or put on a nice outfit, I absolutely want him to notice. Come to think of it, if anyone else that I respect and care for (a family member, a friend, etc) compliments me on anything – from the way I’m raising my children, to my physical appearance or on something I’ve accomplished, baked, done with my house, etc etc, it definitely means something to me. Even if I don’t believe I’m seeking worldly attention from strangers, I know that I crave the praises of others to let me know I’m worth something, or that I’m doing a good job, or that I’m special to someone. The Bible says that a woman who fears the Lord will be praised. That means that if I lay myself down, along with all this garbage and idolatry that my flesh wants to cling to, and recognize Him as the Lord of my life – actually lifting Him up and proving it through the way that I live – then, and only then, I will have the only praise that I could ever truly deserve. It’s so much easier to set up meaningless goals and aspirations – to strive for worldly accomplishments or physical improvements that can rouse empty praises from other people. It’s easy to feed off of such praises and continue seeking after them – but the more we do that, the hungrier we will become. Such praises are temporary and can only build us up in a fleshly sense – they give us a false sense of accomplishment or security, threatening to crash down upon us at the slightest negative word - and do not build us up spiritually in the way that we so desperately need.

Since choosing the hard road, I am often both humbled and terrified by the true picture of beauty that I am trying to pursue daily. 1 Peter 3:3-4 states that true beauty is that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle (some translations say meek) and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. I’ve struggled with this verse over the years for many reasons. Originally, I mistakenly assumed it to be describing a woman’s personality – thinking that the only women who were truly inwardly beautiful were those who had a more reserved & quiet nature. If that were the case, I’d be in deep trouble. But that’s not what He is describing. After studying scripture, it’s clear to me that the nature of Christ is very much like the spirit described by Peter. Christ Himself had a meek, gentle and quiet spirit. (1 Corinthians 10:1)

Is that to say he was not social, fun loving, confident, strong willed and filled with authority? Of course not. In fact, going through the gospels we see a clear portrait of Jesus being all of these things and more. He was love in the flesh – a man who spoke with authority, commanded the attention of thousands through the way he spoke, laughed and ate and rested with his friends, and led the people like a shepherd leads his sheep. He was, and He remains the King of Kings – he had no fear of man, he was not a weakling, nor was he shy. He did not shrink back from difficult situations, nor was he afraid to speak up when he had something important to say. Gosh – when all the merchants came to exploit their goods in the Holy temple, he even made a whip out of righteous anger, turned over tables, scattered money to the ground and drove everyone out of the building for dishonoring His father’s house! And yet, He was humble – he put others first. He washed His disciples’ feet. He quieted himself before the Lord, listened, and obeyed His father’s authority. He had a quiet spirit that looked to God first and not his own fleshly interests. He was wise, with controlled strength, and he was extremely purposeful in all he said and did. The Bible says that the fruit of His spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. All these things can be found in a gentle/meek and quiet spirit.

 I find it interesting that in Matthew 11, Jesus speaks to us about authority and submission through His spirit – explaining that He has been given the authority to do all things through His father the Lord, and yet how he is in perfect communion with Him, doing nothing outside of His father’s will because he listens for His father’s voice. Then in verses 28-30 He says this: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
 So having a meek and quiet spirit is all about willingly giving up control, letting Him be the source of my strength and the leader of my steps, and finding rest in submission to God. it sounds so easy, and He claims that it is! Yet I find myself failing miserably so many times when it comes to that first step of just letting go and giving Him control. Quieting my spirit and looking to Him rather than leaning on my own puffed up understanding and prideful, human strength. Although I was glad to discover that putting on a quiet spirit does not mean doing away with my entire personality, I will freely admit that the more I learn about what it means to have the imperishable beauty of a meek and quiet spirit, the more I want to hide behind the very perishable false beauty of my outward adornment. That’s because I know that hidden deep down in my heart, I can be so very ugly in comparison to the true beauty that is supposed to define me, and it feels so much safer to cling to what I can see and control and maintain in my own strength – the adornment of my own flesh. The shell that will fade so quickly, no matter how hard I may try to maintain it. It's so foolish and so futile to rely on such things. I'm not only talking about our looks, but about anything physical that we falsely identify with our own self worth. Brains, beauty, strength, accomplishments, talents - all the things that God gives us - all perishable, here today and gone tomorrow. All meaningless without him, and not ever meant to be worshipped in His place.

Yet this is exactly what my enemy would have me do. The Bible says that he prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking anyone that he might devour. He knows that seeking purpose and human praise through the adornment of ourselves will quickly lead to idolatry and destruction – it will devour us! He knows that we will become weary and heavy laden when we seek purpose in our own strength – making us easy prey. But Jesus said that if we will stop and seek Him first – if we will submit to His authority and humble ourselves in the role he has given us – if we will put on His meek, gentle, quiet spirit and take his yoke upon ourselves, He will give us rest! Here we will find peace and purpose and contentment in Him. Here we will be made beautiful. Instead of seeking to adorn our perishable bodies by various beauty regimens, new clothes and so on, let’s first be seeking to adorn the King of Kings by putting on a quiet spirit that stops to look to Him before ourselves. That is where we find imperishable beauty that is truly worthy of praise.